I am not a fan of horror movies, but earlier today I watched what turned out to be the scariest movie I have ever seen:  Father of the Bride.  Not the original 1950 film with Spencer Tracy, Joan Bennett, and Elizabeth Taylor, but the 1991 remake with Steve Martin.  Although I had seen the film many times before, it wasn't until today that a tremendous fear settled over me, like hearing Jack Nicholson say, "Here's Johnny!" as he breaks down a door with an axe in The Shining.

My little girl will turn eleven soon.  Her mom and I spent the first five years of her life fighting over her before we realized how futile our battles were.  We were so concerned with our own agendas that we were missing out on just being Mom and Dad, sharing our daughter as she grew older.

My daughter and I have a bedtime ritual.  When it's time to turn in, she asks me, "Camel ride?"  That's where I get on my hands and knees, get mounted like a camel, and she slaps my rear end and says, "Hut hut."  I then slowly, arthritically, transport her to her bedroom as our unreasonably large German Shepherd follows.  But just last night my former wife emailed me a picture of our daughter on top of an actual camel at the fair taken just hours earlier.  "Finally, a real camel ride," I thought to myself.  I missed the fair because I was working, but at least I got to see my kid smiling atop an actual camel.

So as I'm watching Father of the Bride, I realized just how quickly our little girl is growing up.  It won't be too long before I'm in Steve Martin's position, when my kid comes home one day and says, "Daddy, I've met someone and we want to get married!"  I'm saving an expensive bottle of Scotch for that day.  Please excuse my language, but it quite frankly scares the shit out of me.

When parents are constantly battling each other over their children, they are missing out on the joys of being parents.  Trust me, there will come a day when you will look back and ask, "Where did the time go?"  You will remember the court hearings, depositions, and (probably) large unpaid bills for attorney's fees, but you won't be able to remember your child's first sleepover with a friend or the songs your child sang in a school play.  Why not?  Because litigation takes your focus off your child and puts it on the court process.

Don't miss out on the best years of your life by fighting pointless court battles over your kids.  Take your time and choose a child-focused family lawyer to help you resolve your conflicts and get on with being a good co-parent.

Although a parenting plan consists of many different things, the most frequent area of conflict between parents will be in the area of custody and visitation, or what we now call "timesharing."  Although the terminology has changed, mothers and fathers will still disagree about how much time the kids will spend with Mom and Dad.

Almost everyone who has been divorced or known someone who has been divorced is familiar with the "traditional" every-other weekend timesharing arrangement that has been popular since the early 1970s.  As Dr. Joan Kelly wrote:

"For reasons not entirely clear, the specific visiting pattern of every other weekend with the nonresidential parent, usually the father, became the favored and traditional arrangement for children following separation.  This alternating weekend pattern may have gained favor because it was easy to apply, requiring no judicial or psychological analysis.  It simply divided the child's leisure time during the school year between parents, assigning divorced  mothers all the work of raising children, including discipline, homework, and childcare, and typically excluding fathers from these normal parenting responsibilities and opportunities."

Joan B. Kelly, Developing Beneficial Parenting Plan Models for Children Following Separation and Divorce, 19 Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers 237, 239 (2005).  In the same article, Dr. Kelly went on to say as follows:

"Such guidelines are inherently flawed because of the one-size fits-all standard, and because they do not, in fact, address the best interests of the children.  They failed to consider children's ages, gender, and developmental needs and achievements, the history and quality of parenting, and family situations requiring special attention.  Rigid and mindless adherence to such prescriptive guidelines  most often resulted in those children with a warm and supportive relationship with their nonresidential fathers restricted to seeing their fathers only four out of each twenty-eight days, because of the default use of the guidelines, the same amount of time as for chidlren with a self-absorbed, disinterested, or emotionally abusive father."

The point Dr. Kelly and her peers are getting at is this:  each family is different.  When deciding timesharing issues upon separation of the parents, the portion of your parenting plan that addresses timesharing issues must take into account your individual circumstances. 

Above all, when you separate or divorce, the presiding judge should not care about what you or your partner want.  The judge is only concerned with what is in your child's best interests.

That brings up another question.  Who is in the best position to decide what is in your child's best interests?  A judge, who will most likely have very limited contact with you, as a parent, and extremely limited contact, if any, with your child?  Or you, as a parent, who is in a better position to determine what is best for your child?

The answers to these questions are best addressed by a qualified child custody and visitation lawyer who can find creative solutions to timesharing issues between parents.

So now you have decided to retain a divorce lawyer.  The next question is, "Whom should I hire?"

Choosing a family law attorney is a bit like choosing an auto mechanic.  Unless you have some experience in auto mechanics, you probably don't know know where to begin.  When choosing your lawyer, the foremost questions in your mind should be: (1) is this lawyer truly qualified to handle my case; and (2) can I trust this lawyer?

Before you go searching for divorce lawyers, you need to do some homework.  I will break this down into two sections:  (1) what not to do and (2) what to do.

Keep in mind that there are many lawyers who practice in the area of family law.  However, they may have other practice areas as well, such as personal injury, criminal defense, and real estate.  Lawyers who diversify their practices into many areas of the law cannot devote their entire attention into one area of law, so they are more likely to be less informed than lawyers who devote their practices into a single area of the law.

What Not to Do:

Telephone Book Directories.  If you look in a telephone book directory, you will probably find a specific section for family lawyers.  But just because those lawyers have a listing in the directory doesn't mean that they are qualified to assist you with your family law problem.  Even a lawyer who devotes only one percent of his or her practice to family law can take out an add in a telephone book directory.  In fact, if you look around any given directory, you will probably find the same lawyer has taken out advertisements in other legal areas as well.

Other Forms of Advertising.  Aside from telephone book directories, lawyers will also market themselves in other forms of media (yes, including the Internet, like I do).  Like telephone book directories, any lawyer can throw up a web site, put on a television commercial, or purchase an advertisement in a local newspaper or magazine.  Yet advertisements do not mean that the lawyer is qualified to handle your family law case.  It just means he or she paid money for an advertisement.

Beware of Fighting Words.  If you see an advertisement, you will frequently see catch phrases like "aggressive."  Catch phrases like that are meant to get you fired up and ready for a fight.  The best family lawyers are usually those who promote a minimization of conflict.  So beware of lawyers who use fighting words.

Friends and Family Members.  Of course we put our trust in friends and family members.  Although you should definitely ask them about potential lawyers, be careful of their comments.  As much as we love and respect them, every family law case is different.  Some of our friends and family members may have had a bad personal experience with a particular lawyer, but that bad experience may be due to a client's unrealistic expectations that didn't materialize into anticipated results.

Free Consultations.  My experience has been that lawyers who offer free consultations are not interested in helping prospective clients.  Rather, they are intent on giving you a sales pitch.  You are likely to walk away from a free consultation with more information about how great the lawyer is rather than any information on how he or she can help you with your family law problem.

What to Do:

Ask Questions.  Without a doubt, asking the right questions is the best way to find a qualified divorce lawyer.  Here are some questions you should be asking:

    1.     What percentage of your practice is devoted to family law?  A qualified divorce lawyer will devote the vast majority of his or her practice to matrimonial and family law.  At the Law Office of Wesley H. Owens, our practice is limited exclusively to matrimonial and family law.

    2.     For how long have you been practicing law?  Although there is no bright line rule as to how long a lawyer has been practicing, a good rule of thumb is "the longer the better."  For example, I have been practicing matrimonial and family law for about fifteen years.

    3.     Are you a member of the Family Law Section of the Florida Bar?  If a lawyer is not a section member, he or she is not likely to be involved in emerging family law issues.  You may also want to ask whether the lawyer serves on any Family Law Section committees to determine his or her active involvement in helping to formulate creative solutions to family law issues.

    4.     Do you represent more men or women?  Unfortunately, some lawyers use catch phrases like "men only"or "women only" as a marketing tool.  It is better for your prospective lawyer to have a balance of experience in representing both men and women.

Do not be afraid to ask questions.  The lawyer you retain is likely to have a tremendous impact on the most vital issues of your life, with consequences that will endure for a lifetime.